poetrynw.org

I'm planning on trying to submit some poems to poetrynw. You can submit up to five and so far I have one that I really like. I am interested in attention, basically the fact that so many people in my life want my attention and are happy with only that. Attention is what they want, not money, not depth. I like attention too but I need other stuff. They don't seem to need therapy, or more money, or lots of money, or new information. All they want is attention. They are good people, not into power or even will. Maybe I was that way when I was young but I find it a little naive now.

Writing poetry

I found some great magazines on writing and poetry at the LO library. Today I wrote a couple of poems, one good one on magic. I like writing poetry and find it really helps me express myself. I want to start writing with an erotic touch. I can spend all day writing and reading and drinking coffee. I love St. Honore cafe right here in LO the coffee is just as good as the cafe creme in Paris. Finally a hobby that is not too expensive and I really enjoy. I also want to work the exercises of St Ignatius at some point. They are magical too. (m)

Camelot

I'm listening to Camelot from the library. I'm not into Daddy and Candy. I suspect Solly was up to no good. I'm beginning to really think that neurosis is a moral problem. Anyway I remember the music and I'm reading Writer's Digest from the library too. The music I can't listen to is Stardust. I remember liking it and I remember sex with MR and JC. Pathological? No Neurotic? Yes. Neurotic to the point of becoming predatory? Yes. Victims of neurotic suffering. I have a little compassion. These neurotics tried to ruin my life. The quest to return to sexy model, adorable moppet, movie star. I'm trying to move on.

Cold blues

Stuck at home with a cold. Later a class with Jay. I found a good website plato.stanford.edu good for philosophy. Played with feminist theory. I am not convinced although it is appealing. I think psychoanalysis with an emphasis on the parental mother or father or both complex is more interesting and useful. The problem is not everyone wants to do or can do psychoanalysis. Music is interesting too. I've been listening to the NY times music podcast. Its good. I like Rhianna. The blues are boring. I don't think all those music people are really into music. I prefer psychoanalytic work to the violence in the various armies. Basically I leave the armies alone. They might be good artists but I'm not really impressed.

Mama complex

I realize I have a huge mother complex. Every time I'm in a situation where I have to take care of others or mother them, the next day I'm either furious or I want to dump on someone. This is a terrible attitude but I really have it. I don't mind mothering people but then I have this tremendous backlash. Writing helps. I don't want to call someone up and dump on them unless its my therapist and that gets expensive. I know this is a very childish attitude and one that is not helpful to me but I have it, for sure. Maybe meditation can help.

New ideas

HGA as an entity of the unconscious. The ability to converse with both higher self and HGA as important to magic. I feel a lot of people are too conscious and do not experience a pleasant enough consciousness. HGA is a way to take a break from consciousness in a safe sober way. I am beginning to see my higher self and HGA as my HP in twelve-step work not that I would ever explain it that way to 12 steppers. HGA comes through to me as an intuition or light bulb idea. It helps me create my life and gives me inspiration. I access it by setting the balance and the environment for it to come through. Positive consciousness seems to help too. It becomes easier to enter the HGA environment.

reading and writing more

I have been listening to Books on the Nightstand. It is great and I've put a lot of really interesting books on hold. Now all of a sudden I'm interested in other subjects. When I read more variety I also write more, all most all journaling. I like journaling because when I look back over my past entries I get an idea of what my process is. Somehow quieting down or being distracted in a pleasant way helps me get my unconscious going. Cooking, cleaning, reading, journaling, music don't seem anything out of the ordinary but they help get me into a space where things start to flow. Of course I also do magic but a day like this helps the magic take. The relationship with the unconscious or higher self ( lady, lord, holy guardian angel ) is what I'm looking for. Consciousness is pleasant but the experience of the higher self is life changing.

Better language

I am learning a new language from all these new friends I am making. We talk for 5-10 min and it is in depth but very subject focused. My 12-step friends focus on 12-stepping. My church friends focus on church. My wicca/tarot friends focus on magic. There is something about having shorter conversations on focused topics. These are not mini therapy sessions or a search for mother, like I was trying to make them into before. They are useful, focused information and mutual support sharing conversations. I need to learn this language some more. Maybe what would be helpful is when I call someone to think about the topic/focus in advance so I don't fall into a mutual looking for mother/therapist conversation like I have done so much in the past. That is what Adrianne complains about in me.

all about me

I realize that I only have a limited amount of attention to spend on others. When I spend too much time thinking about other people I get sick or I relapse. It a fine line because I also like power and being political. Too much politics makes me sick too. I realize that this is the reason I couldn't be married or have more that one child. It was too much working with other people. I need to spend a lot of time on myself and although I need and love others, I need to spend most of my time by myself.

Variety

I realize I have been way too isolated. Also I have been trying to be elite too hard. I am not really elite quality level in psychology, religion or writing or looks. I do better finding a larger pool ( hundreds? ) of people to know and share with. This breaks up my isolation. I am doing it through my 12-step group and also through my church. Wicca, Tarot and Jung classes and therapy are good but I don't meet the amount of people there that I do at my other sources. I would like another venue possibly a writing group? Or a journaling group where I could put my resources all together? Also I'm going to be spending more money on heat so I don't really want to pay much for new groups.

Beyond skill

I'm realizing that skill and being around love are good but are not enough for me. I must have a certain degree of productivity and sense making in my life too. I need a container but not as constantly as I though. I need to put my information all together and also to gather new information. I need a strong ego, not an inflated one. I am going to put the focus on education for my family going forward. Moppethood is just not ever satisfying. When I was trying that I could never be cute enough. Education and productivity are the keys.

Husband first?

I'm wondering if strictly monogamous and heterosexual relationships ever work. I'm beginning to think they are responsible for a lot of the problems that neurosis causes in society. I always put my kid first. I always put my husband first. Maybe it would have been better if we had all shared. And maybe I needed more people, men and women, to share with. I needed variety in my conversations, not just discussions about the pets and kid. I needed different people to talk to, not just the TV and books. The computer is good but I still need other people. And other close relationships, not just the family ones.

self interest

LO is much too priviledged. Michael smokes. I can't go all over the place, especially on the freeway, with Gina. Ginny's married. Too married. I realize I have to look out for my own self interest. I don't have to nurture people who don't nurture back. I don't have to nurture others who nurture but don't know how to nurture themselves. My relationships can be out of self interest. I help who I want because I want to. It serves me. I don't have to support( like my Dad wanted ) other peoples self interest. I don't have to be an assistant unless I want to be because I get something out of it. I like alternative relationships and different energies and a lot of information. And good healthy food too. And my cats. And my kid.

Too much lunch

I've been eating lunch with my women friends. Talking about our successful families. Complaining about the temperature. Eating soup and salad and drinking cafe au laits. I think I'm wasting my life. I know all these relationships are important and productive. I need something sharper, something crystal clearer. I'm fat and soft and dumb during the day. It's a kind of language. At night I'm spiritual or I'm rational. I need to cut through both so I can create. I need to create something even if it is a feeling or an attitude.

being supervised and setting goals

I realize that being well supervised is an excellent way to connect with Lacan's mother. Since I don't work I don't have an opportunity to be supervised that way but I think I can self supervise. One of the first things for me to do is to set goals. My first goal is to start establishing community. My next goal is to find something interesting, such as Wicca or Astral travel, to take the place of alcohol in my life. Next I want to continue to gather new information that makes both of these goals possible for me to do without killing myself by overworking for them. My financial goals are, finally, on target. I am doing laundry and then will head over to the LO library to see what I can find on self management and goal setting. I may decide to use this blog as a sounding board for my goals and how I am doing in reaching them.

Power and Trauma

I realize there is a connection between being powerful and being traumatized. In my life today I have a healthy middle class attitude where I work on myself and work with my family and friends. I process, but I process events and activities that are not very traumatic. When I was trying to be powerful I traumatized myself time and time again. Power over others is not natural and is traumatic and results in self trauma. The problem is that our society is so obsessed with power over others, which instead of helping results in more problems caused by the trauma of being controlled and controlling. Yet sometimes I yearn for power and the excitement it enables. It was a different lifestyle, more enjoyable and more painful at the same time. What I have now is enjoyable too, and much more productive. I am becoming wealthy.

commitment

I realize that I am beginning to have a commitment towards my church and the people in it. Also I am beginning to be committed to some of the people in my 12-step program. I was lonely before because I couldn't commit to anyone. I can only commit when the people I am committing to are nice to me and have a commitment to me or to the same dream or process or idea. Especially I need them to be nice, kind and considerate of me before I can commit to them and enable myself to be happily mirrored by them. With out commitment at best I am living vicariously through them. I have been living vicariously through people my whole life, until now, when I'm finding commitment. No wonder I can spend the whole day at home and not feel bored or lonely. It is the commitment that keeps me from feeling anxious or depressed or angry. Now I am just focusing on my commitments most of the day and this keeps me feeling happy and content. I need to find people who are nice to me and who I like and respect. I need to respect their program.

kundalini movement

I realize that a lot of people almost get it. Even M. said to "just accept it". The main problem with trauma is that it cause you to reject part of humanity, and in my case, the violent rejection caused me more emotional pain and worse trouble than the trauma. There is something about being engaged in life and the constant pleasure that being engaged brings. This pleasure is disrupted through rejection. Often in my case, rather than focus on being engaged all I did was obsess about the people I rejected. Kundalini is the flow from the base of your spine out the top of your head activated by sensual or engaged energy. This is the healing energy and what gives pleasure to being alive. This is what can heal trauma because it distracts from feelings of rejection to feelings of wholeness or oneness with the universe. I am healing because I am thinking about different things and different people. I have role models in other whole people and I am no longer focusing on my lack, but what I have and what abundance I can achieve.

SLV again

Even if Eric King is annoying I think he is right about silver. I just put in a bid to buy 20 more shares of SLV. Had a delicious goat milk and honey yogurt with granola at Starbucks this morning. Also stopped by Annie Blooms and bought a Tikkun magazine. It is good but why would I bother with a philosophy that I can't participate in. They scapegoat too and don't like to forgive in that magazine. They talk about generousity. IBD talks about making poverty more comfortable. Comfort can go a long way. I'm much happier when I eat well, healthy foods with variety. I think they are going to have to make poverty comfortable if they don't want riots. My yogurt and magazine weren't expensive and they put me in a happy mood.

Discovering love

Love is the law, love under will. I realize I am just beginning to experience love. Nile sharing with me. Kathie asking me if I'm dating anyone. A feel of deep friendship and connection. I'd like to get to know them better. I like the feeling of being interested in what someone has to say. I'll take Kathie home anytime. I'll be happy to have a relationship with someone like Nile. I think this is the beginning of mature love for me as an adult.

slv and homeopathy

Just bought 20 shares slv. I'm getting more and more interested in homeopathy and what people say it does and can do. I'm tired tonight so I skipped Adjan Sudanto and the Oregon Friends of Jung. I will go next month. Talked to Adrianne in Barcelona and she is having a good time. Grandma has a big crush on Teddy I think. Funny how that happens. I think I can give her apartment back on Monday. I think there is going to be a BIG bull market in precious metals. I'm going to try and ride it up. Average investors are still not aware of it. Denise isn't interested and/or doesn't trust it. She is interested in the GM ipo which I wouldn't touch. I still haven't decided about Sunday. I'm a little standoffish as I got into such a negative state coming out of my ethereal active imagination. The New Thought people call it chemicalization. I'm not so sure. I do feel better when I stay positive but the negative gives me energy sometimes when I'm stuck. Maybe I just overdid it.

attitude

I was in a terrible mood this morning. I did a tarot reading and up came the devil. I looked at the I Ching but nothing helped my mood. Finally I went to Liz's Bible Study and read Scripture on John. I love John. I realize I have to approach people with a more mild attitude. My attitude gets very aggressive. Ilse says sins are sins, well my aggressive attitude is sin and with sin comes separation from Jesus and suffering. When my attitude is better, more mild and accepting, I am happy and hand in hand with God. I realize that I do not have to accept sin, others or mine. It is a fact of our human condition that sin exists but I can try to overcome it, I do not have to just stew in a sinful attitude. I think Mary has the best attitude and I try to be like her in what ever way I can. Jesus forgives sin, but we must try to process and do our work to be better people.

Wiccan man

I met and worked with a nice young wiccan man tonight at Jadzia's. I have been thinking how nice it is to be able to talk to a man about things I'm interested in. It's not that I want to leave M, I'm happy in our relationship, but it is so nice to meet people, men and women, that I have things in common with. Not partying but spirituality and exploration. I'm so bored by the idiots on CNN and that idiot drinking Portland society, not to mention that horrible Manila, Paris and LA society. How much better life is when I have some friends to share with. I never realized I could actually have something in common with someone, I've spent all my time trying to get along and please people I really don't have anything in common with. What a drag. What a waste of time.

Actives

As usual my egomania is completely out of control. Just the thought of CNN sets me off. I am so aggressive about the moppets. I just can't take them and I am being way too snobby. I have been reading about magic and as far as I can tell it is basically active imagination with an angel, demon, fairy, daemon, an entity or self or both. I realize that I have a complex developed from about age 14 to 40. I started working on it when I first tried to get sober and this work has kept me sober. But I get polluted from working with the complex( demonic self ) and feel I need to talk it over with Caryn Aman. I have a positive, prayerful ( binding? ) self also which is good. Tonight I'm over to Dan's to pick up the mail and paper and then to Jadzia's for tarot. That should help. Adrianne's apartment is almost all packed up. Teddy will take the stuff up to Eugene on Wednesday and I'll get a higher mattress for A's room. They are well in Spain, Teddy got a text from A.

Egomania

I was listening to James Dines on King World News and I realize my ego is just as big as his is. I am really an egomaniac just like him. And he is good at what he does. I realize every time something doesn't go my way I through a fit, get snarly and nasty. Everytime my ego gets bruised I get furious. I wonder if time in a twelve-step program and working with Gina will help. I also wonder if I imagine the things that cause me so much ego bruising and fury. Maybe it is mostly me. It could be just me but I don't think so. Maybe I need boundaries and things that I like to occupy my time such as my spiritual quests. Egos are strange entities if they are entities. Is our personality different entities? Sometimes it seems like it. Parts of me don't fit my whole.

Pissed

I'm really mad about my green curry being too hot and my phad thai being to bland. Annoying man, idiot man. Anyway I really enjoyed my Gnostic Church and plan to go again. All the ritual really spoke to me. I'm not sharing my spirituality with anyone who is not safe. I am considering letting Christine go. I don't feel safe sharing my magic with her. I don't really want to talk about magic to anyone except magical people. I am also considering letting go of my book club. I like Peggy but I don't really like literature. I may just use hospice as an excuse again because of the man again. That Cindy is a dork!

Lori Ann LaRocco

I'm feeling a little better, a lot better, after listening to Lori Ann LaRocco on King World News. I think I needed an energy change. Too much spirituality and not enough practical, information gathering and sense making. I will go to NWReia after all and will follow through with Denise and Claude. Even if I don't make a lot of money I don't need much money. I need the information though, to keep aware and interested in my life. The T.V. isn't much good and doesn't have very much interesting material. Too repetitive. I'm off to Queen of Heaven with Gina, the Gnostic Church here in Portland. I'm going to try a gnostic mass. I woke up at 3 am and took A and Dan to the airport. I almost crashed on the way there, I am really nervous about driving and changing lanes, especially on the freeway. I think driving fast is scary.

Sakula's teachings for Sept 10 2010

5 percepts are how we live human lives. Start with sila ( vitue) before concentration or wisdom. These can lead to deep states of meditation. ex 3rd jana. Adjan Geoff likes sila, concentration and discernment. The Bramavaharas or divine abodes are how human beings should live. When I fight with Susanne on the phone it is because I am expecting too much out of me and her to be different than she is. Keep this in mind and shorten my phone conversations with her.
I don't know how I am ever going to be successful with sila. When I do my active imagination I feel so in my body, but I am aware that I have a very bad side to me. Sometimes I wonder if my unconscious is a kind of bad entity. Maybe its not exactly that but it feels like it. I do my active imagination and I feel rotten a few hours later. Maybe I need to cleanse and process. I will talk to Caryn Aman and Christine about it.

Going for a walk

I am cooking oatmeal and am planning to go for a walk after breakfast. It is cool out and fall is coming early this year I think. I will miss meditation tonight. Next week Adjan Sudanto, one of my favorites, will be at the Sangha. I do reike on myself at night before falling asleep. I pray and put my hands on my chakras. Then I try and meditate for a few minutes. My concentration practice isn't going so well but my relaxation practice is very good and very enjoyable.

People I like

I am beginning to realize the importance of spending time each day with a few people I like. To often I've just been doing family stuff or spending time with people I need to whom I don't particularly relate to. I need to be consoled by being in a group or one on one with someone I enjoy. I need a conversation about something I am interested in for me, for my own benefit and enjoyment. I need to be around some people I like and who like me back.

Hospice volunteering

Yesterday I had my interview at Hopewell House and they agreed to take me on as a trainee and volunteer. I think I will be doing four hours on Saturday afternoons. Also today we start Esther in Spiritual Journeys. I received Perdurabo and the Haindl Tarot in the mail yesterday. Adrianne is having a party tonight and always I worry about the drinking. It is so immoderate. I turn it over.

New links

Here are some great new links. One of them is Miss Minimalist. Another is Meditron Asset Management, a site with a new way of thinking. Also speechinthesilence.com is a great Thelema resource. I did a etheric projection last night and think I over did it a little. I couldn't get to sleep and stay asleep. Then I thought I saw my picture move this morning. Magic is fun but serious too. It really is a powerful tool on my psyche. Also it is a powerful tool for social change. I'm just starting to take it more and more seriously.

A line in the sand

My sponsor told me to draw a "line in the sand" separating me from active addicts. I will no longer waste my time trying to cure something only the addict them self can change. I am done being someone's assistant, helper or co-dependent in the addiction cycle. I am now on step 10 and look forward to being a sponsor myself. I have a great sponsor.

Playing with cats

Today I did a fun volunteer job at an animal shelter in SW Portland. I really enjoyed it even though one of the cats jumped on me. I realize I cannot take care of all the cats in the world and I cannot take care of all the people in the world, including my immediate family. People have to take care of themselves. Thats all. And I don't really like my family or my in-laws very much. I love my daughter, thats all.

Up early

I was up at quarter to five this morning. I worked on some journaling, lit candles and smudged my condo. Did the dishes, some yoga and am now cooking oatmeal for breakfast. I think I am going to take a noon yoga class at the rec center and earlier go to Costco for coffee and half and half. This evening I have meditation and Judy is going to ride with me to the Sangha. I'm considering stopping my Saturday meeting and doing yoga instead. I'm getting bored with 12 stepping.

Reiki healing

Yesterday I went to a Reiki circle at the New Thought Church. We did reiki on each other for about 5 min each. I feel very much in my body but now I feel gross. I am aware of my body and feel I need a cleanse. I have been drinking lots of water. It does feel good being in my body though and on Saturday I have another reiki circle with Aga.

Portland Faith Awakening

Today I am going to the Portland Faith Awakening's luncheon on sex trafficking. This is a subject that I am very interested in and want to learn more about. Also I am really thinking a lot about how life becomes more interesting when I do a variety of tasks, hobbies and information gathering work throughout the day. I realize I want to get rich, not so I can be waited on hand and foot, but because I want the freedom to do the things and the work I want to do. I want to be able to work for myself and to keep the benefits of my work for myself, to distribute to whom I want to. I do not want to have to give my labor or the fruits of my labor to someone I don't want to. I don't want to be forced to work and forced to distribute the success of my labor in a way I don't want to. I don't want to be stolen from or enslaved.

The Grotto and market blahs

Today I took a great trip to the Grotto. It was a wonderful visit to a very spiritual place. I came home to find that the market had done nothing. Yesterday I bought a little Mollycorp. Today I am making a little casserole in the crockpot. 1 jar tomato sauce, 2 c dried beans, 1 packet chili, some broken whole wheat pasta and several jars of water. We'll see how it turns out. I've already added more water. Listened to a King World News broadcast. Good thing I'm more into my spirituality than I am my money. The spirituality is doing great, the market not so good.

New link

I got this one from Caryn Aman. It is Tess Vigland on Market Place Money on the NPR website. I haven't listened to it yet but Caryn thinks its great. Also Caryn to me about getting card stock and gold gel pens at Grahams in downtown Lake Oswego. I'm considering making my own cards and sending the out with a chocolate bar and/or with one of my used books as gifts. I think it will save me a lot of money.

Intention

Yesterday I met with Jeanie, talked to Gina and Bob. I guess intention, intent and intuition are to be followed. Gina says its Angels, Bob calls it our subconscious mind. What ever you call it, it is something. I am following my hunches and ideas more. When an idea pops into my head I give it more weight now and try to go through with it. I don't try and force it. I comes into my life as it does and helps when it does.

New links

Check out:
1. King World News
2. Far Beyond the Stars
3. Frugal Babe
4. Rowdy Kittens
also some assorted political blogs
1. Huffington Post
2. Daily Beast
3. Daily Kos

New ideas for my blog

Tonight I took a class at PCC called 25 home businesses for under $1000. One of the ideas I got was making and selling cards. Another was mystery shopping. Another is adult daycare/errands with liability insurance not being too expensive. Also I want to use this blog with the idea of maybe making it an information blog with interesting web or blog sites. I will try out the mystery shopping websites tomorrow and maybe post them. It was a good class. I think that PCC puts on good 1 evening classes.

House hunting

I am getting more and more interested in learning about real estate investing. I am looking at houses in Aloha and Beaverton for rentals. At this point it is only in the processing and dreaming stage but I am trying to learn about my possibilities. At the very least it is a fun hobby and I plan to attend open houses and learn about what is available. Zillow is a good site to do this.

My practice

I went to meet with Sakula yesterday. She told me that Buddhism is all about being in the body and living in harmony with nature and the universe. It is all about being in balance and making choices, helped by the eight precepts, that keep you in balance. I was very interested to hear this because I had no idea what Buddhism was all about. Being in balance creates joy in my life and I would like to learn how to accomplish it. I am going to be working with Sakula once a month and she is going to teach me. Balance creates a happy, contented even blissful life with no need for addictions and less need for aggression behavior. I want to learn to live that way.

Nobody's assistant

I am realizing that I want to prioritize my own life. I do not want to spend my life being an assistant to others. I want to make my contribution but in the structure of a group. I do not want to have friendships where I function as an unpaid assistant, nanny or pet walker without being compensated. Even if I am compensated I don't want that job.

Bored with blogging

I'm getting a little bored with blogging, other blogs and the internet. I don't feel like trying to get an internet business going. I'm just tired of the whole concept. I want to connect face to face with real people through real relationships. I'm also tired of voluntary simplicity and minimalism. I wish I had more money. I'm tired of the cutting back lifestyle.

reading

I have been reading Kraken, The Artist's Way, and the blogs Far Beyond The Stars and Sightline. I am trying to get more in touch with the world issues and the way things work. Sustainability and minimalism are important to me. I am learning to walk easy on the planet and not to consume too much. I am really more interested in becoming creative and non neurotic. I need to work on myself and my creativity by learning new things, experiencing new things and meeting new people.

Dreaming of green

My image for now is of green forests, running streams and creeks, soft rain or cloudy, misty skies. I have been visiting some of Portland's parks and green spaces. They give me the wonderful feeling of freedom and being nurtured. I love the trees, the ferns, the shadows and the coolness of the forest. The forest is my new thought and image.

Value Village

This morning I am going to Value Village with my niece. I need an new skirt as I have grown out of the ones I bought at Goodwill last year. I'm hoping to find one or two good ones for around $5 each. Also later on I might try Kohls for skirts. They sent me some good 15% off coupons in the mail. Later on today we will head over to Costco for a pizza lunch. I need to pick up some coffee, TP, diswashing liquid and half and half. Maybe a swim this afternoon and then a 12-step meeting this evening. I'm looking forward to a good day.

Dollar cost averaging into gold

Gold is in a bull market. I plan to slowly start dollar cost averaging into GLD and my gold mutual fund. Gold is going to 3000 for sure in the next couple of years and maybe even higher. I also plan to little by little build up my position in my REIT and my income fund. Slowly I will build up capital for myself. The main thing is I enjoy investing more than spending money. I enjoy gathering information about the economy and where we are heading. I find it much more interesting than the news. Basically I do investing because it is lots of fun.

Walking with Jennifer

I have discovered my new digital camera. I've been taking pictures of my daughter, my ex-husband, my cats and now my friend Jennifer. Its fun and I think it could become a nice new hobby for me. Hopefully I'll learn how to put pictures on my blog and then I can start to take blogging more seriously.

Thinking what I could do

I have been trying to brainstorm ways to make money. One way I can think of is to help my daughter's grandma with her scrapbooking. Another way is through the training I will get volunteering hospice. PCC community college has a non-credit class on 12 businesses to do out of your home. Real estate is an option but you need a lot of capital. Blogging for money is also something I have thought about but I'm not expert enough to make money at it. So several things to consider. I would like to have a little extra money so I could pay off my credit card and take classes. I like learning.

iwillteachyoutoberich class

I am on my day two of my free class on How to make an extra $1000 a month from the Iwillteachyoutoberich blog. So far it is interesting and I realize that I just have to think through what I want to market and to whom. I am considering paying for the full class if it is not too expensive. Also I plan to return to my Jungian therapist for the summer for some support. Therapy doesn't have to only happen when problems come up but can be a strategy for getting a deeper, richer more interesting life.

Iwillteachyoutoberich and flylady

I am cleaning the way flylady taught me how and my living room is sparkling. I am also making progress cleaning out all my paper work. I am interested in making a little extra money. I am planning on scrapbooking with Grandma for a bag of groceries a week. Also if I get training in my hospice volunteer job I plan to try and fill in for caregivers sometimes. The iwillteachyoutoberich blog offers a class on learning to make an extra $1000 a month. There is a free teaser but they charge for the class. I'm trying to decide if I want to take it or not. At any rate I'm trying to be more active and involved in my community and my life.

Almost run over

Today leaving my 12-step program I almost got hit by a car while crossing the street. I don't think I'll park there anymore. This is my second close call. Always with me is the need to process and the need to be around people who are taking responsibility for their lives and trying to grow up emotionally. Thats what I get out of these meetings. Also cleaning and getting rid of clutter really makes me feel good. I heard of a new blog called Far Beyond The Stars that I think I will read regularly. Also don't forget Flylady.

Spending money

I realized that the two most important things for me to spend money on are good quality groceries and a massage every three weeks. Those two things keep me comfortable and happy. I have been buying organic meat and eggs, and wild fish. I am exercising and hoping to lose a little weight. I have a goal of 4-6 lbs to lose. The organic meats are expensive but worth it. They are healthy and delicious. Also I've been buying organic berries and cherry tomatoes. They are a delicious treat. Sometimes I but a diet coke which is not healthy but not so bad either and is a treat for me. Also I find that lying down for 45-60 in the afternoon re-charges me. I missed my NWReia group tonight because I was too tired. Next time I'll nap earlier.

Processing time

What I am realizing is that I access feminine energy by processing. Some of the sitting, processing, not so much analyzing, is becoming so important to me. Last night I went to my Theravada meditation group and this morning, after coffee and oatmeal, I will go to a 12-step meeting. The combination of sitting, listening, and then processing is what helps me encourage my growth and helps me to stay in the present moment, feeling good. We are surrounded by masculine energy and what I need to access to balance that energy is the feminine energy. The balance between the two keeps me happy and keeps my life interesting and comfortable.

Meditation tonight

I just read a great blog that mentioned a blog called flylady. It is all about cleaning. I love learning about cleaning and almost nothing makes me feel better than a clean place. Tonight I am going to Portland Friends of the Dhamma which is a meditation center in SE Portland. They meditate for a half hour and then do check in and teachings. It is a great way to start the weekend. Also earlier I went to a new 12-step meeting. It was small, so everyone got to share, and very helpful. I find my meditation practice goes well with the processing I do in my 12-step meetings.

A little depressed

I'm feeling a little down this morning, left over from last night. There are a lot of changes in my life such as my daughter moving out and me signing up to volunteer hospice. I have also changed my way of eating and spending money. Sometimes I miss the way I did things before and I feel loss. Life changes and there are new challenges. However I always miss the life I left or am leaving behind. Change even good change is a hard thing for me to deal with. I am up a little before 5 am writing this. I am going to a 6:30 12-step meeting to help me cope with my feelings. Writing this blog helps too. It is different processing with support. I think of someone I know ( Heather ) who is so good at sitting with her feelings surrounded by support. I am trying to be like her. Meditate or destroy. And don't forget to read Frugal Babe.

New interests

I am sitting here writing this realizing that I need a variety of interests. For years all I was interested in was Jung and mutual fund investing. I'm realizing I have to learn more about more subjects in the same area. I'm wondering what else I could learn about that would help add depth to my character and help me become a more interesting person. I'll have to think about it.

Productive relationships

If I am ever successful in my investing what would I want to do with the money? For me productivity is all about relationships. I like having relationships with people who are excited and part of that excitement comes from making money. It is not only the money, but the feelings and quality of relationships that comes with being successful. I would like to develop relationships with other successful people and form a network. All the successful people in business that I have read about are successful because of their intelligence but also because of their networks. They have friends that teach them how to be successful and how to succeed in business. They exchange information and help each other. I would like to have more friends who teach me how to be successful. Those are my favorite kind of friends.

Positive feminine, Positive masculine

For the first time I feel in balance. My positive feminine is being activated by my devotion to Mary and my positive masculine is being activated by attending a New Thought Church. I finally feel good, in balance and happily positive. I feel I am achieving my spiritual goals, finally.

Simplicity

My day moves in easy cycles. Sometimes I wonder if I should have been more ambitious when I was younger and accomplished more. But I realize I can't have it both ways. If I did more activities my life would be less simple. Always there is choice and trade-off in energy. Now I have enough energy to be creative and have enough time to gather information. However I never established a business network which is one of the things I would like to do.

Hawaii flowers blooming

The flowers that my mom's caregiver Parvin brought back from Hawaii are blooming. They are beautiful white flowers and I love them. My Auntie Hedda is in her transition stage and my cousin Gregory is busy doing what I did for my mom and dad. It is very hard work and nothing really makes it better. But all this waiting around, sitting with, and witnessing is exactly what helps make a positive transition for the dying person. I wish them all my best and send blessings and positive thoughts towards all of them.

Getting motivated

I realize that I really enjoy being motivated. I am motivated to earn money and increase my income through investing. However the money is only part of it. Maybe I will make money and maybe I won't. The part I am really enjoying is being around other people who are motivated and positive about what they are doing. This is especially true in the real estate group I am going to. They are all looking for deals and to share information. It is fun, exciting and interesting. Also I enjoy reading books on motivation in business. They have a lot of ideas on how to be more successful and productive. When I am motivated I am happy to get up in the morning and the day is really fun.

Controling women friends

I was so annoyed at my 12-step meeting yesterday. I am in a service job and was trying to do it. I must of had five different women trying to tell me what to do and how their way was better. It drove me crazy. In another time I would have just agreed to everything and seethed. Today I tell them fine, if they want to do things a certain way they can but they have to do it, not me. I realize that my self esteem is better. It takes a certain amount of self esteem to be able to tolerate, even thrive, in relationship areas like the one I'm describing. I was irritated but I found myself gaining confidence too.

Mother's Day energy

I woke up early, around 5:30, this morning, Mother's Day. I had coffee, went to Safeway, and have been cooking potatoes and bacon. The condo smells delicious and Barbara is coming over for brunch. I took a nap from around 8:30 to 9:30. I have decided not to try and fight my inner clock that is waking me up so early. Instead I am going to make time for a morning nap and an afternoon nap. Naps are a good way to process and I feel as refreshed and energetic after I take one.

Need to process

Since yesterday afternoon I have had a lot of different energies swirling around my body and head. I feel like the kundalini energy in me is finally waking up. I try and mix my energies and this one isn't keeping me from doing stuff but it is on my mind. This morning I have a real estate seminar and my daughter is coming home for Mother's Day. Somehow writing helps me organize my thoughts and energies. This kundalini energy also comes from being more aware about how I am living my life. It is providing a new space for me to go deeper into life.

An easy day

I had my book group today and as always it was interesting. I decided not to go downtown to Willamette Writers as it is so stormy and rainy. I read somewhere that people who read are interesting and people who write are interesting too. Today in book group people were saying that they were tired of books that are full of characters with problems because they didn't have good parents. Characters like that are often flat with boring lives and boring stories. I like reading books like that because they help me relate to how good my life is. A certain amount of flatness and boredom leaves room for processing and often can lead to reflection, from my point of view. It can be a start of growth.

Feeling punky

I woke up feeling a little punky and edgy today. I had coffee and a yogurt and went for a 20 min uphill walk. I'm still feeling a little off balance. Today I start my tarot class in the Woodstock area of Portland. I realize that relationships can be difficult and I don't always want to be in relationship with everyone in my life. I really have to be in the mood to talk and I find I don't like small talk. Sometimes just the idea of small talk puts me into a bad mood. I need to respect this feeling in my life and adjust my relationships to a place where I am comfortable with the communication they entail.

Rain outside

Rain outside this afternoon. I ordered some Medifast crunch bars as I have been off my diet for two weeks now. This morning I met with a new women's group and later on I will do a yoga class. I have been thinking about the importance of having supportive and nurturing relationships in my life. Some how I think the Holy Spirit comes through in positive relationship. Depth comes from relationship too and for now that is my quest. How to deepen my personality and have a more full life. Depth of personality is an experience and it is learned from other people with full lives. I am hoping to develop more relationships like that.

A Saturday

I woke up early this morning with the spring light steaming through my window. As it gets lighter out I get up earlier and am ready for bed earlier too. I went to a 12 step meeting, then downtown to the library for books on Christology and real estate investing. I came home to read and journal and made some molasses crinkles. At 5 I'm going to Church and then over to a friend's home for tea. It's been a good day so far.

Setting boundaries

I have a friend who loves to talk on the phone. She is a very intelligent and interesting person but 45 min every time I talk to her is too long. Yesterday I was going over and over how to set a boundary. When I got on the phone with her I did a check in, and then I asked her how her day went, and then I said I'd call her back tomorrow as I didn't feel like talking. She was fine with it, said good-bye and told me she loved me. Sometimes I make things more than they are and stew over then when just a little gentle honesty is what the situation needs.

Coffee in the morning

The cats woke me up early this morning. I got up rather than lie in bed and fixed myself a pot of coffee. As it becomes lighter outside I am sitting at my computer writing this. Sometimes this time is my best time. I feel quite and fresh and can plan my day. When I get off the computer I will read something spiritual for a while. With God's help I will have a great day.

Simplicity Energy

I get my energy from a variety of different energy sources. I talk to my daughter, then I cook a pasta, then I read something on investing online, then I talk to my sister on the phone, then I go to a 12 step meeting, then I go to Church. My day varies and when I get tired of doing something, or a little stale, I change my energy focus. This helps me stay focused and happy through out the day. Another thing I do is to be sure I spend time each day with people who love me. That is how I get enough love in me to be able to give love to others in my life.

A Simplicity Poem

I consent to go deeper
I will allow myself to be human
I will rest in silence
I will let go into simplicity
I will pray
To be transformed
To be of service to others

Today I am going to make a recipe with a cup of white beans that I left soaking overnight.

Wash and drain soaked beans. Add beans to stockpot and cover beans with water. Bring to a boil and then simmer for 1 hour.
Meanwhile saute a chopped onion in 2tbls olive oil. Drain beans and mix in onion, 1 can of chopped tomatoes, and a package of Simply Organic garden vegetable spaghetti sauce. Follow directions on the package and in minutes you will have a spaghetti sauce.
I am trying to eat a low glycemic diet so I will serve the sauce with quimoa instead of spaghetti with some zuchenni saute on the side.
If you are curious about low glycemic eating look up David Ludwigs' book "Fighting the Food Fight." It is excellent.

Eating this way really helps me save money and be healthy. I estimate the cost per serving for this recipe to be $ 1.45

This is my first blog post for Tracy's Simplicity Blog. I want to share my ideas on simplicity, saving money and having a great life. One of the first things I want to share is how I save money on groceries. Living on a small fixed income groceries are often my biggest expense. I cut my grocery bill in half this month and last month by changing the way I eat. First of all I discovered beans and grains. Then I discovered Organics to you, which is a business that will send you a box of organic vegetables and fruit. I spend $27 for a large box and it is delivered to my front door every other week. It last me easily for two weeks. One of the vegetables in my box were some organic beets. I looked up beet soup on google and made a delicious beet soup.
Here is my modified recipe.

Saute onions, celery and peeled chopped beets ( I had four small ones ) with 2tbs olive oil for about 5 min
Put vegetables into a stock pot and fill half way with water. Add 4 tbs vinegar (any kind) 1 tbs sugar ( any kind ) 1/4 c ketchup and salt and pepper. I also added some beans cooked in tomato sauce. You can add any kind of already cooked or canned beans. I added about a tablespoon of granulated chicken stock. You and use beef or vegetable too. Bring everything to a boil and then cover and simmer for about an hour. You will have a delicious beet soup for dinner or lunch or to snack on. Just a note, beet soup is very red and can stain so be careful about getting it on your clothes. This soup is delicious and is very inexpensive to make. Enjoy!