Working for Grandma

Working for Grandma is going fine but I'm spending my money too fast. I need to re focus on investing. I bought Readme and Headhunter from Annie Bloom's books. I find I like to read and write or rather journal. I like the website She Writes too. I using affirmations now during my prayer and meditation sits. The universe is abundant, prosperous and creative. I ordered one of Louise Hay's cd's on prosperity from Amazon. Its a funny kind of white magic that works.

New care business

It's Wednesday and I have a little cold. I'm staying quite so I'll be okay to look after Grandma on Sunday from 4:30 to 9, and bring dinner. I'm trying to build up a care business so I can stop withdrawing so much money from SB. We'll have to see how this works out. Susanne and them are all so supportive of Barbara, they relate to her, not so much to me- after all that happened. I'm a little annoyed by their reaction I guess.

In my head

Sometimes I think things and I realize they are all in my head. The trauma I went through affects me and I think people are doing things that they really aren't. I make up a whole drama in my head. I realize too the importance of structure in relationships. Thats why I like to journal or work a book with people. Without the structure I start imagining things that are not as they truly are.

Self not ego

I have been doing a lot of Centering Prayer and also a daily sit of Theravada meditation. I find I like doing Buddhist meditation on the floor and I ordered a pillow and mat. I'm less interested in alternative consciousness and more interested in dissolving my ego and letting my self develop instead. I have a feeling of having someone with me or myself, so I'm no longer lonely or so needy. Christians call it friendship with Jesus, Buddhists call it no self, but I have someone with me. The ego needs to dissolve a little at first so this self can come through. I don't believe someone can be truly happy without an experience of this sort and that the ego complex, developed because we don't know how to sit with ourselves, or parent ourselves, wants more and more of whatever is feeding it and is the reason we get so violent. I want more self, less ego. This is done through prayer and meditation.

What I like

I don't like high school stories, I like sex stories. I don't like psychology, I like the occult-I don't like controlling entities, I like consciousness and alternative states of consciousness. I like social work and business ( small business ) and I like real estate. I like simple, cheap, good food - I prepare it. I like yoga and walking, massage and hot showers.

Your Money or Your Life

This is my theme and my challenge. Living life in a green, abundant and creative way without spending money. I'm going to try and not spend so I don't have to work and can stay home a write and do yoga. It is my goal to be withdrawing 1% by the end on next year. I'll need to find new ways to be creative and I think writing and magic are two of them.

not helping

I refuse to do everything, to do all the work in saving this planet. It has to be a collective effort. My exposure to neurosis has me convinced that dependency is a big problem. Not working together but a demand to be taken care of, to be entertained, to be simulated. People have to learn how to work with their own boredom and stuckness. Trying to alleviate it for them just leads to scapegoating and violence.

The politics of simplicity

Somehow I'm feeling more political about my simplicity, spirituality and new way of eating. I could feed a lot of people on my new diet and the yoga and treadmill workouts are making me healthier. I paid off my credit cards and am determined not to run them up again. I think there is going to be a small rich class and them everyone else. I feel with my limited resources I want to get the best life style possible and also live a live that a lot of people could live like and enjoy. Pretty soon to be rich you are going to have to be a billionaire, millionaires won't even be able to keep up anymore. The eating mindfully with not so much meat, the yoga and restorative yoga, the splurge on a massage monthly, the meditation, the program and my church all come together. And I hope my daughter develops a Torah lifestyle as much as possible for her. That would be the best of both worlds for me and her.

New Tarot

I've been working with my new Thoth tarot cards, and my new book Tarot Journaling. Its fun and I'm starting to take it a little more seriously because of the depth it brings to my life. Next month I'm going to try out the Theosophical Society. Still trying to lose weight but I can't seem to get it off. Doing yoga and meditation regularly. In fact, meditation with Sakula tonight, leaving in a few minutes. I'm forgeting about the TV and the news, becoming interested in social work and behaviorism. I realize I behaved badly and thus the consequences. The point is not to get stuck again, literally. But how to behave well when your society is sooo boring. Get out of it and find something else. Now if only I can remember that.

Occult fiction

Hayley's wedding my family occult fiction and the fact that I'm not sure about my CHK trade anymore. I may just focus on SLV and my REIT. Joan and Dan are buying a new house but I don't think I can handle a rental on my own. Dr. Tavener is good and I have enough neurotic and narcissistic drinking to let go of the past. I now have enough partying in my life. Is that what I was looking for? If my family wants to party and work who is making an issue of it? I'm into my Theosophy and the OTO for now and as always Carl Jung although my dreams aren't anything remarkable. A door is opening for me as one is quietly shutting. The unconscious is calling and my HGA or higher self is looking for relationship. I'm beginning to take my life seriously. Paths are starting to show up.

Mindfulness

I'm beginning to be more interested in being mindful, mixing yoga with meditation and recently getting interested in politics or becoming more political with mindfulness. Also I'm looking at logotherapy, losing weight mindfully and generally becoming more aware of my life. It all starts with eating and meditation for me, also yoga before meditation helps. I think I'm interested in the politics of food and simplicity. If I can live better, eat better without spending much money I'm able to use that money in other ways that really enrich my life. I have been spending too much on the basics and not getting a lot for my money. Money, mindfulness, food, not being owned or owing anyone is more and more about freedom and a good life. I want to be able to pay for teachings and the help I crave.

New Attitude

I realize the attitude I have now is one of engagement and building up, mostly through learning about entrepreneurship and investing. I like this attitude and I think I spent a lot of time preferring the attitude that luxury brings pleasure. I question that. Luxury made me snappy and soft, demanding more and more, like an addiction. I wonder if it really only feeds neurosis. Just a thought for the day.

Zines and Kathy Acker

Zines and their stories of accepting trauma and sexing out of it. Thats fine maybe a good idea, better than being stuck in it and continually retraumatized. But at some point any intellectualizing, even the very engaging kind, needs to rest in the Great Mother, the feminine, and be consoled and refreshed. You cannot engage yourself away from the mother goddess no matter how hard you try. And why would you try? The mother goddess consoles, heals, processes trauma into experience, refreshes and helps me move forward into more experiences, life and as trauma happens moves back into process and consoling. I'm going down town to the library today to read, check out some Zines and comics. I like the writing and the stories and attitudes. Its a new hobby for me and a cheap one that helps me save money for more investing. Also I'm starting to feel rich without having a lot of money. Maybe richer that people with money. It has to do with cheap engaging hobbies and an ability to process them. We all need the goddess.

Better Investing group

Last night I went to the Better Investing group in Beaverton. I really have a lot to learn and it is so hard to save money and get the funds to invest. Some of the women I met there are really interesting and are really good investors. I want to buy some long term dividend paying stocks and am interested in the website manifestinvesting. The Better Investing people shared that they use Value Line a lot so maybe its time for me to get over to the library. Also they said Barron's has a list of insider trading, so you know when company people are buying and selling. Maybe I'll go over to the manifest investing site and see if I can get a trial subscription. I just have so many tools I need to learn to use them better.

Stood up

Tracey from NWReia forgot about me. I called and she apologized but was too busy to get together. I'm relieved. I don't want real estate sales people to be too serious about me. I don't have the money for a deal and I'm considering sticking to REITs instead. Learning about business and real estate might help me with my kid or grandkids if they want to do deals. I'm not sure I will ever have that kind of money to lose. For now I'm trying to innovate my life and get more with what I have with careful planning and new ideas about hobbies and lifestyle choices. And I need to pay down my credit cards. I'm giving myself two years. I'm very interested in CHK so I'm watching it. If I could put my credit card payments into investing I'd be doing even better.

Lidia

I take it. back, I'm really enjoying Lidia and The Chronology of Water. It is a really good book with really good writing. How about going to the library after dinner and then sex instead of the TV. Sakula uses the New Yorker for news. I could try it. I don't really like the TV's attitude.

Reading Local: Portland

My new favorite blog is about local writers work in Portland, thus my title. I picked up The Chronology of Water. It started out really good, but now I'm getting bored with that lifestyle. The author talks about too much booze and sex. At some point you have to grow out of it or you get stuck in it, no matter how bad your trauma was or is. At some point you have to walk away from the trauma, like I'm doing with the TV. Everyone on the news on TV is in trauma, a trauma that is way too much for me. I spent my day chatting with Rosie, walking on the treadmill, making a failed grape jelly, and finally drinking coffee and going to the library to check out some writing magazines. Trauma, inner or outer, causes you to focus too much on yourself and to develop a complex of ego and ism, or as Rosie told me today, I, self and me. Being stuck in this complex is the result and cause of so much trauma. I need to walk away or fun away I self and me. Which is so hard to do. My writing, although bad, makes a point.

Computer Dharma

I met with Sakula this morning. As usual she gave me some interesting advice. Sit, even five minutes a day, or bowing, at the same time each day. Meditation is a training of the mind, a discipline. Also do a mindfulness exercise at the computer or be aware that you are starting to work on the computer and that you are stopping to work on the computer. Mindfulness is not about power it is about a pleasant life. My life is more successful, more interesting with mindfulness. It is not ( usually ) power driven like it was before, and it is not all about my ego, like it was before. I'm still important to my life but not very. Everything flows and I can listen without being so judgemental. Boring listening is no longer traumatic but can be done and it the main thing that my friends and family need from me. It helps everyone enjoy their life and become successful.

Cash is king

I'm realizing cash flow and management are both very important. Management is planning and cash flow gives you the way to implement the plan. It is important to have some cash to manage expenses. In the long run its easier to budget and to save money, or pay off credit, if you have some cash. I am going to try and get my allowance in 3 month periods so I have a cash cushion. Also I'm going to try and get into the "field" as Dr. M describes it and plan my spending around developing a better access to "positive field" experiences. That is my main management plan. My quest is finding more and more positive field and planning my life around it.

KO, Verizon and AT&T

A couple of days ago I took a finance seminar with SCORE. It was really good and I learned that some companies will make money just because their assets, like land, will appreciate. KO has a little over 9% gain per year on assets, I think mainly because they own the land their plants are on. Also on top of that they pay a 2.88% dividend. So that is about 12% gain just on dividends and appreciation. Verizon and AT&T I haven't checked out yet but they pay around 5% dividend which is really good. Even if they just keep up with an 8% market you are getting about 12% a year, which is really good over the long term. If I can make some money trading Chesapeake I may buy some of these stocks for the long term. Also Pitney Bowles has a really good dividend.

Workout

I realize that I am really out of shape. Getting around Eugene tired me out, and A said I really need to work on myself. After I got home I went to the rec center and worked out with SL. I am already sore and stiff but it feels good. I am going to start prioritizing working out and am going to try and lose a little weight and get in better shape. How am I going to deal with little kids in the shape I'm in? If I want to participate with H and A I need to be in shape. Once I get my credit cards paid off I'm going to reward myself for my workouts with more massages. They are a little expensive for now but maybe next year my Chesapeake trade will pay off and I can put the profits into more massage. Also I want to take more short trips. The cats don't seem to mind too much, although Camissa looked sad when I got home.

e-book

I'm considering writing a few e-books and developing a web site to sell them on. I'm going to try Jack Canfield's idea of writing 15 minutes a day. I started today. Basically today was Church, then writing, then I washed my sheets, dusted the bedroom, swept the bathroom floor and made a pasta. Tonight I'm over at Barbara's for Mother's Day dinner and I got a nice Facebook post from Adrianne. Even Dan called and sent over a dozen red roses. I realize I still have some resentments from LA etc. It's time to move on and not dwell on negative relationships. So much for the modeling business. The less I think of those people in my past the better.

NWReia Jason Schubert workshop

This morning I spent about three hours at a NWReia workshop with Jason Schubert. He is really interesting and very motivational. One thing he said "walk away-there are a lot of deals out there" if something doesn't work out the way you want it to. This was helpful as often I get into the head space of my own world and think that deals are limited so I better jump at them or accept the crumbs. Jason helped me realize that I have options and that there are a lot of people out there to do business with and a lot of deals to be done. He talked about the hotel/motel business but listening to him I realized there are a lot of different businesses to be profitable in. One way he adds to his bottom line is by putting vending machines in his properties. He owns the machines and says that they bring in approx. $600 a month. I'm not sure if this is the group of machines or each machine. My point and I think his point is that there are multiple streams of income that are possible if you are creative.

NWReia

Last night I saw Jason Schubert speak at NWReia. He was really good and spoke about how motels/hotels are profitable even with only 30% occupancy. He also talked about spin off businesses such as restaurants, bars, laundry etc. He said he's not so interested in equity, rather income streams. It got me thinking about hotel reits. I'm going to his workshop tomorrow. Also I'm looking at a company called Soltero and am considering buying a little. I will wait for two weeks until I learn how to read the financial reports at my SCORE class. And I'm still watching natural gas. A little later I'm going to the OFOJ group and will have my volunteer celebration. Dr.M told me to drum KLC's voice and to find an image of SL that I like. That is the start of learning alchemy. You use creative ways to communicate and connect with people.

Educated women

I have some new women friends, who have their own families and their own educations and interesting jobs. Thank you Jesus, Thank you God. Finally I have some friends that I can relate to. Who are not expecting me to take care of them, or their kids. And these new friends are interesting, they are not boring me to death. I feel my life will be much richer and I will be spending much less money to be happy. I am so tired of those neurotic societies I was stuck in. I am never doing that again, I am never going to compromise with boredom. I wasted so much of my life. I don't know how this happened but it did and I feel I have the next half of my life to enjoy.

Natural gas

Today I took the free pass from the library and went downtown to the art museum. Had an enjoyable visit and then stopped in at Starbucks for coffee and banana bread. Looking out the window I saw so many interesting people. There is a lot of success in downtown Portland and I was inspired. I plan on going down there to write more often. I spent $3 for parking and $4 at Starbucks. I think I'll spend about $150-170 on coffee etc but I am saving on groceries. I don't think I'll go to the store again until Friday. Today I sent another $100 to TDameritrade. I want to trade Chesapeake Energy. I think you go in when the weather is hot, and get out when its cold. Its an easy 40-50% profit in 4-6 months. Not bad. And my writing is inspiring me. I like looking at interesting people.

More motivation

I have really been motivated by www.pr.com Just reading the stories of businesses that are successful inspires me. I think by being motivated, and also by shopping at a variety of stores, not only New Seasons, I can save about $25 a week on groceries. When I'm bored I go to the store or to "walk at the Mall". Although walking at the mall can be good exercise, I'm often tempted to buy something. My goal is to pay off my credit cards this year and next year to consider buying some real estate education. Even if I don't use the education as a career, it helps me to know how business works and this helps my investing. I'm watch Chesapeake Energy as a possible trade to go in during the slower summer months and then get out in the higher winter months. It is definitely on my watch list.

All about business

I've started taking workshops through SCORE. The "100 Ways to Market your Business" was very interesting and motivating. I find that information, especially business information, really motivates me to save money for investments. The classes are exciting and help me dream of future possibilities. One of the things I'm thinking about is writing ebooks on saving money and frugality. Another thing I'm thinking about doing is getting my real estate license so I can do wholesaling deals. Even if I don't do anything, I'm able to invest more as I'm more focused. A great website is voiceamerica and their business radio. Also www.pr.com is another good website that I learned about in the workshop. I realize most people don't really make money at what they do, they just break even. I want to make money and grow my wealth through saving and positive investments.

Okay, now acting books

My latest discovery have been acting books. From what I'm reading and am thinking about so far, its all about the body, not feelings. It's what you can get the body to do. I makes me wonder about the psyches of actors who are so good at their bodies and their craft, but then what about the inside and feelings. It would be nice to be very much in my body and I like the idea of my bodies behavior or what to do with my body as determining my behavior. I like thinking about my body. Today I danced and drummed and did some karate and some yoga. Later I went for a walk in the rain. I think I'm going to spend my time with my body, listening to what it wants.

Psycho-analysis and rejection

I realize one of the feelings I'm dealing with is that I reject a lot of people and myself time to time. I especially reject talkers, like its not okay to just chit chat and talk about nothing. But that is exactly how a lot of people, myself included, like to process. I reject my own voice in myself and in others. This is something I am becoming aware of and need to work on. In fact I believe that most of my negative feelings come from my experiences of rejection. I need to be around people who are not rejecting me and I need to consciously not reject others in my life.

Model Horse hobby

I am considering taking up model horses as a new hobby. It looks like fun and I spent about an hour today looking at all the blogs. Also I am going to one Alanon meeting a week to work with my other 12 step program. I think a lot of people in Alanon are in a love/hate relationship with their qualifier. Also there is so much boredom in taking care of other people it easily turns love to hate. Hobbies are so good against boredom and help set boundaries. I let my sponsor go. She was just too into everybody taking care of everybody. That was because of my neurosis and bad boundaries that I got sucked up into that way of co-dependent thinking. I think when I get a new sponsor I will just call once a week, not everyday. We just got so emeshed. Also too much processing makes me sick, really. I need time to unwind and relax and not do so much work on myself all the time. Magic is work on myself, it counts and it gets to much.

Possibility

I realize from what I have read of Kant that I can create anything I want. I can have any structure I want and I can make as much money as I want. I can choose my life and I can live the life I choose. I can be aware of concepts and intuitions and choose which ones I want and which ones I will not choose. Just as God chooses our world I can choose my own way, be like God, and choose my world. Concepts and intuition are keys to freedom. There would also be a way to go beyond human concepts and intuition, although I don't know if Jung would agree. I think there is more to life than our world, both conscious and unconscious. I wonder if I will ever find a way to get beyond human consciousness and get into God consciousness, or just beyond the human realm.

Immanuel Kant

My new life's work is comprehending the "Critique of Pure Reason". I'm working on intuition and concepts. Also out of this line, the mother's need for the ego, or my being in "mother" or social structures that nurture and support emotionally but compromise the ego structure. In other words, Church and 12-step meetings are fine but I need something to express my ego, such as studying and interpreting philosophy and psychology. My ego was horses, modeling, baby, politics and CNN, wine and Carl Jung, what was lacking was mother. Now I have plenty of mother but need Immanuel Kant's ego structure. Carl Jung's and Jacque Lacan's don't hurt either.

Samadhi

I'm working on concentration and focus, goals in Christian thought and also focus or concentration in Theravada. I found a new venue for philosophy-meetup.com The group I joined was great but I overconcentrated and was a little stuck energy wise when I got home. Finally an ice cream sundae and a diet coke from MacDonald's got me unstuck. My Sangha talks about mundane meditations, such as cleaning or cooking and being concentrated. Also how evil can be very mindful. Interesting stuff. I bought Timothy Hogan's book on Kabballah from Amazon. The Sangha mentions the last 4 Janas which I'm interested in. They make me think that is what it is like to be dead or out of my body. Consciousness continues, I'm sure of it.

a writer finally

Today I went to the Tigard library and wrote and quoted Jung for about 45 mins. Then I went to get coffee at a place I like in LO. I talked to Gina and she wanted to process but I was done. I realize I'm finally learning to process on my own through journaling, quoting and writing and poetry. Adrianne took my desk to school so I set up her room as a meditation room. I put a Buddha and bell and candle on a table, put a comfy chair in there and a end table and lamp. Now I'm set. I did around 15 min meditation today and read from Bikku Bodi's book. Bruce says to bring your issues to your meditation sit. I did and it was interesting. Things are getting good. Why did it take me so long to get this? I could kick myself.

community

Gina says that we should be each others friends and family. If I am all that to all the women she wants me to support I will have no time or resources left for me. Its one thing talking or thinking about community, its another thing living it. I like feminist thinking but not taken this far in real life. There has to be a balance. Gina's view of community is too broad and too demanding. I don't love her that much and I don't love those others that much either. I guess I'm finally being honest about where I stand. I want to focus on myself and my own family, not help others too much. Its too much work, expense and I lose my center.

blogspot.com

I found a new blog I think I like from She Writes. It is by Dawn Potter. Also I'm in touch with the Portland Mufon people. Whet out to MacDonald's with Jeff. It's too exhausting to go out with him but I like him and will have him over for lunch and then we can talk. He knows a lot about UFO's and Bigfoot. I'm reading something by Lon Milo Duquette which is interesting on Tarot especially. I'm starting to get a little cold again, I think from the stress of being too social. This morning I'm going to try a very gentle yoga class and will go easy on the social stuff for the rest of the week.

Selling stuff

My New Year's Resolutions are to clean and organize my pantry, bedroom closet and the closet in my daughter's room. Also I want to have my friend Jennifer ( she offered ) teach me how to sell books on Amazon. If that is successful I may move on to Ebay. I have so many friends with so much stuff to sell and I could get a percentage. Also I want to do a gentle yoga class, walk and increase my stamina. I need to call Denise for coffee, call Jennifer, call Jeff and Minnie for lunch. Get my car tuned up and my teeth cleaned. And work on maintaining my energy through a variety of activities.