Husband first?

I'm wondering if strictly monogamous and heterosexual relationships ever work. I'm beginning to think they are responsible for a lot of the problems that neurosis causes in society. I always put my kid first. I always put my husband first. Maybe it would have been better if we had all shared. And maybe I needed more people, men and women, to share with. I needed variety in my conversations, not just discussions about the pets and kid. I needed different people to talk to, not just the TV and books. The computer is good but I still need other people. And other close relationships, not just the family ones.

self interest

LO is much too priviledged. Michael smokes. I can't go all over the place, especially on the freeway, with Gina. Ginny's married. Too married. I realize I have to look out for my own self interest. I don't have to nurture people who don't nurture back. I don't have to nurture others who nurture but don't know how to nurture themselves. My relationships can be out of self interest. I help who I want because I want to. It serves me. I don't have to support( like my Dad wanted ) other peoples self interest. I don't have to be an assistant unless I want to be because I get something out of it. I like alternative relationships and different energies and a lot of information. And good healthy food too. And my cats. And my kid.

Too much lunch

I've been eating lunch with my women friends. Talking about our successful families. Complaining about the temperature. Eating soup and salad and drinking cafe au laits. I think I'm wasting my life. I know all these relationships are important and productive. I need something sharper, something crystal clearer. I'm fat and soft and dumb during the day. It's a kind of language. At night I'm spiritual or I'm rational. I need to cut through both so I can create. I need to create something even if it is a feeling or an attitude.

being supervised and setting goals

I realize that being well supervised is an excellent way to connect with Lacan's mother. Since I don't work I don't have an opportunity to be supervised that way but I think I can self supervise. One of the first things for me to do is to set goals. My first goal is to start establishing community. My next goal is to find something interesting, such as Wicca or Astral travel, to take the place of alcohol in my life. Next I want to continue to gather new information that makes both of these goals possible for me to do without killing myself by overworking for them. My financial goals are, finally, on target. I am doing laundry and then will head over to the LO library to see what I can find on self management and goal setting. I may decide to use this blog as a sounding board for my goals and how I am doing in reaching them.

Power and Trauma

I realize there is a connection between being powerful and being traumatized. In my life today I have a healthy middle class attitude where I work on myself and work with my family and friends. I process, but I process events and activities that are not very traumatic. When I was trying to be powerful I traumatized myself time and time again. Power over others is not natural and is traumatic and results in self trauma. The problem is that our society is so obsessed with power over others, which instead of helping results in more problems caused by the trauma of being controlled and controlling. Yet sometimes I yearn for power and the excitement it enables. It was a different lifestyle, more enjoyable and more painful at the same time. What I have now is enjoyable too, and much more productive. I am becoming wealthy.

commitment

I realize that I am beginning to have a commitment towards my church and the people in it. Also I am beginning to be committed to some of the people in my 12-step program. I was lonely before because I couldn't commit to anyone. I can only commit when the people I am committing to are nice to me and have a commitment to me or to the same dream or process or idea. Especially I need them to be nice, kind and considerate of me before I can commit to them and enable myself to be happily mirrored by them. With out commitment at best I am living vicariously through them. I have been living vicariously through people my whole life, until now, when I'm finding commitment. No wonder I can spend the whole day at home and not feel bored or lonely. It is the commitment that keeps me from feeling anxious or depressed or angry. Now I am just focusing on my commitments most of the day and this keeps me feeling happy and content. I need to find people who are nice to me and who I like and respect. I need to respect their program.

kundalini movement

I realize that a lot of people almost get it. Even M. said to "just accept it". The main problem with trauma is that it cause you to reject part of humanity, and in my case, the violent rejection caused me more emotional pain and worse trouble than the trauma. There is something about being engaged in life and the constant pleasure that being engaged brings. This pleasure is disrupted through rejection. Often in my case, rather than focus on being engaged all I did was obsess about the people I rejected. Kundalini is the flow from the base of your spine out the top of your head activated by sensual or engaged energy. This is the healing energy and what gives pleasure to being alive. This is what can heal trauma because it distracts from feelings of rejection to feelings of wholeness or oneness with the universe. I am healing because I am thinking about different things and different people. I have role models in other whole people and I am no longer focusing on my lack, but what I have and what abundance I can achieve.