Mama complex

I realize I have a huge mother complex. Every time I'm in a situation where I have to take care of others or mother them, the next day I'm either furious or I want to dump on someone. This is a terrible attitude but I really have it. I don't mind mothering people but then I have this tremendous backlash. Writing helps. I don't want to call someone up and dump on them unless its my therapist and that gets expensive. I know this is a very childish attitude and one that is not helpful to me but I have it, for sure. Maybe meditation can help.

New ideas

HGA as an entity of the unconscious. The ability to converse with both higher self and HGA as important to magic. I feel a lot of people are too conscious and do not experience a pleasant enough consciousness. HGA is a way to take a break from consciousness in a safe sober way. I am beginning to see my higher self and HGA as my HP in twelve-step work not that I would ever explain it that way to 12 steppers. HGA comes through to me as an intuition or light bulb idea. It helps me create my life and gives me inspiration. I access it by setting the balance and the environment for it to come through. Positive consciousness seems to help too. It becomes easier to enter the HGA environment.

reading and writing more

I have been listening to Books on the Nightstand. It is great and I've put a lot of really interesting books on hold. Now all of a sudden I'm interested in other subjects. When I read more variety I also write more, all most all journaling. I like journaling because when I look back over my past entries I get an idea of what my process is. Somehow quieting down or being distracted in a pleasant way helps me get my unconscious going. Cooking, cleaning, reading, journaling, music don't seem anything out of the ordinary but they help get me into a space where things start to flow. Of course I also do magic but a day like this helps the magic take. The relationship with the unconscious or higher self ( lady, lord, holy guardian angel ) is what I'm looking for. Consciousness is pleasant but the experience of the higher self is life changing.

Better language

I am learning a new language from all these new friends I am making. We talk for 5-10 min and it is in depth but very subject focused. My 12-step friends focus on 12-stepping. My church friends focus on church. My wicca/tarot friends focus on magic. There is something about having shorter conversations on focused topics. These are not mini therapy sessions or a search for mother, like I was trying to make them into before. They are useful, focused information and mutual support sharing conversations. I need to learn this language some more. Maybe what would be helpful is when I call someone to think about the topic/focus in advance so I don't fall into a mutual looking for mother/therapist conversation like I have done so much in the past. That is what Adrianne complains about in me.

all about me

I realize that I only have a limited amount of attention to spend on others. When I spend too much time thinking about other people I get sick or I relapse. It a fine line because I also like power and being political. Too much politics makes me sick too. I realize that this is the reason I couldn't be married or have more that one child. It was too much working with other people. I need to spend a lot of time on myself and although I need and love others, I need to spend most of my time by myself.

Variety

I realize I have been way too isolated. Also I have been trying to be elite too hard. I am not really elite quality level in psychology, religion or writing or looks. I do better finding a larger pool ( hundreds? ) of people to know and share with. This breaks up my isolation. I am doing it through my 12-step group and also through my church. Wicca, Tarot and Jung classes and therapy are good but I don't meet the amount of people there that I do at my other sources. I would like another venue possibly a writing group? Or a journaling group where I could put my resources all together? Also I'm going to be spending more money on heat so I don't really want to pay much for new groups.

Beyond skill

I'm realizing that skill and being around love are good but are not enough for me. I must have a certain degree of productivity and sense making in my life too. I need a container but not as constantly as I though. I need to put my information all together and also to gather new information. I need a strong ego, not an inflated one. I am going to put the focus on education for my family going forward. Moppethood is just not ever satisfying. When I was trying that I could never be cute enough. Education and productivity are the keys.