SLV again

Even if Eric King is annoying I think he is right about silver. I just put in a bid to buy 20 more shares of SLV. Had a delicious goat milk and honey yogurt with granola at Starbucks this morning. Also stopped by Annie Blooms and bought a Tikkun magazine. It is good but why would I bother with a philosophy that I can't participate in. They scapegoat too and don't like to forgive in that magazine. They talk about generousity. IBD talks about making poverty more comfortable. Comfort can go a long way. I'm much happier when I eat well, healthy foods with variety. I think they are going to have to make poverty comfortable if they don't want riots. My yogurt and magazine weren't expensive and they put me in a happy mood.

Discovering love

Love is the law, love under will. I realize I am just beginning to experience love. Nile sharing with me. Kathie asking me if I'm dating anyone. A feel of deep friendship and connection. I'd like to get to know them better. I like the feeling of being interested in what someone has to say. I'll take Kathie home anytime. I'll be happy to have a relationship with someone like Nile. I think this is the beginning of mature love for me as an adult.

slv and homeopathy

Just bought 20 shares slv. I'm getting more and more interested in homeopathy and what people say it does and can do. I'm tired tonight so I skipped Adjan Sudanto and the Oregon Friends of Jung. I will go next month. Talked to Adrianne in Barcelona and she is having a good time. Grandma has a big crush on Teddy I think. Funny how that happens. I think I can give her apartment back on Monday. I think there is going to be a BIG bull market in precious metals. I'm going to try and ride it up. Average investors are still not aware of it. Denise isn't interested and/or doesn't trust it. She is interested in the GM ipo which I wouldn't touch. I still haven't decided about Sunday. I'm a little standoffish as I got into such a negative state coming out of my ethereal active imagination. The New Thought people call it chemicalization. I'm not so sure. I do feel better when I stay positive but the negative gives me energy sometimes when I'm stuck. Maybe I just overdid it.

attitude

I was in a terrible mood this morning. I did a tarot reading and up came the devil. I looked at the I Ching but nothing helped my mood. Finally I went to Liz's Bible Study and read Scripture on John. I love John. I realize I have to approach people with a more mild attitude. My attitude gets very aggressive. Ilse says sins are sins, well my aggressive attitude is sin and with sin comes separation from Jesus and suffering. When my attitude is better, more mild and accepting, I am happy and hand in hand with God. I realize that I do not have to accept sin, others or mine. It is a fact of our human condition that sin exists but I can try to overcome it, I do not have to just stew in a sinful attitude. I think Mary has the best attitude and I try to be like her in what ever way I can. Jesus forgives sin, but we must try to process and do our work to be better people.

Wiccan man

I met and worked with a nice young wiccan man tonight at Jadzia's. I have been thinking how nice it is to be able to talk to a man about things I'm interested in. It's not that I want to leave M, I'm happy in our relationship, but it is so nice to meet people, men and women, that I have things in common with. Not partying but spirituality and exploration. I'm so bored by the idiots on CNN and that idiot drinking Portland society, not to mention that horrible Manila, Paris and LA society. How much better life is when I have some friends to share with. I never realized I could actually have something in common with someone, I've spent all my time trying to get along and please people I really don't have anything in common with. What a drag. What a waste of time.

Actives

As usual my egomania is completely out of control. Just the thought of CNN sets me off. I am so aggressive about the moppets. I just can't take them and I am being way too snobby. I have been reading about magic and as far as I can tell it is basically active imagination with an angel, demon, fairy, daemon, an entity or self or both. I realize that I have a complex developed from about age 14 to 40. I started working on it when I first tried to get sober and this work has kept me sober. But I get polluted from working with the complex( demonic self ) and feel I need to talk it over with Caryn Aman. I have a positive, prayerful ( binding? ) self also which is good. Tonight I'm over to Dan's to pick up the mail and paper and then to Jadzia's for tarot. That should help. Adrianne's apartment is almost all packed up. Teddy will take the stuff up to Eugene on Wednesday and I'll get a higher mattress for A's room. They are well in Spain, Teddy got a text from A.

Egomania

I was listening to James Dines on King World News and I realize my ego is just as big as his is. I am really an egomaniac just like him. And he is good at what he does. I realize every time something doesn't go my way I through a fit, get snarly and nasty. Everytime my ego gets bruised I get furious. I wonder if time in a twelve-step program and working with Gina will help. I also wonder if I imagine the things that cause me so much ego bruising and fury. Maybe it is mostly me. It could be just me but I don't think so. Maybe I need boundaries and things that I like to occupy my time such as my spiritual quests. Egos are strange entities if they are entities. Is our personality different entities? Sometimes it seems like it. Parts of me don't fit my whole.

Pissed

I'm really mad about my green curry being too hot and my phad thai being to bland. Annoying man, idiot man. Anyway I really enjoyed my Gnostic Church and plan to go again. All the ritual really spoke to me. I'm not sharing my spirituality with anyone who is not safe. I am considering letting Christine go. I don't feel safe sharing my magic with her. I don't really want to talk about magic to anyone except magical people. I am also considering letting go of my book club. I like Peggy but I don't really like literature. I may just use hospice as an excuse again because of the man again. That Cindy is a dork!

Lori Ann LaRocco

I'm feeling a little better, a lot better, after listening to Lori Ann LaRocco on King World News. I think I needed an energy change. Too much spirituality and not enough practical, information gathering and sense making. I will go to NWReia after all and will follow through with Denise and Claude. Even if I don't make a lot of money I don't need much money. I need the information though, to keep aware and interested in my life. The T.V. isn't much good and doesn't have very much interesting material. Too repetitive. I'm off to Queen of Heaven with Gina, the Gnostic Church here in Portland. I'm going to try a gnostic mass. I woke up at 3 am and took A and Dan to the airport. I almost crashed on the way there, I am really nervous about driving and changing lanes, especially on the freeway. I think driving fast is scary.

Sakula's teachings for Sept 10 2010

5 percepts are how we live human lives. Start with sila ( vitue) before concentration or wisdom. These can lead to deep states of meditation. ex 3rd jana. Adjan Geoff likes sila, concentration and discernment. The Bramavaharas or divine abodes are how human beings should live. When I fight with Susanne on the phone it is because I am expecting too much out of me and her to be different than she is. Keep this in mind and shorten my phone conversations with her.
I don't know how I am ever going to be successful with sila. When I do my active imagination I feel so in my body, but I am aware that I have a very bad side to me. Sometimes I wonder if my unconscious is a kind of bad entity. Maybe its not exactly that but it feels like it. I do my active imagination and I feel rotten a few hours later. Maybe I need to cleanse and process. I will talk to Caryn Aman and Christine about it.

Going for a walk

I am cooking oatmeal and am planning to go for a walk after breakfast. It is cool out and fall is coming early this year I think. I will miss meditation tonight. Next week Adjan Sudanto, one of my favorites, will be at the Sangha. I do reike on myself at night before falling asleep. I pray and put my hands on my chakras. Then I try and meditate for a few minutes. My concentration practice isn't going so well but my relaxation practice is very good and very enjoyable.

People I like

I am beginning to realize the importance of spending time each day with a few people I like. To often I've just been doing family stuff or spending time with people I need to whom I don't particularly relate to. I need to be consoled by being in a group or one on one with someone I enjoy. I need a conversation about something I am interested in for me, for my own benefit and enjoyment. I need to be around some people I like and who like me back.

Hospice volunteering

Yesterday I had my interview at Hopewell House and they agreed to take me on as a trainee and volunteer. I think I will be doing four hours on Saturday afternoons. Also today we start Esther in Spiritual Journeys. I received Perdurabo and the Haindl Tarot in the mail yesterday. Adrianne is having a party tonight and always I worry about the drinking. It is so immoderate. I turn it over.

New links

Here are some great new links. One of them is Miss Minimalist. Another is Meditron Asset Management, a site with a new way of thinking. Also speechinthesilence.com is a great Thelema resource. I did a etheric projection last night and think I over did it a little. I couldn't get to sleep and stay asleep. Then I thought I saw my picture move this morning. Magic is fun but serious too. It really is a powerful tool on my psyche. Also it is a powerful tool for social change. I'm just starting to take it more and more seriously.

A line in the sand

My sponsor told me to draw a "line in the sand" separating me from active addicts. I will no longer waste my time trying to cure something only the addict them self can change. I am done being someone's assistant, helper or co-dependent in the addiction cycle. I am now on step 10 and look forward to being a sponsor myself. I have a great sponsor.