New care business

It's Wednesday and I have a little cold. I'm staying quite so I'll be okay to look after Grandma on Sunday from 4:30 to 9, and bring dinner. I'm trying to build up a care business so I can stop withdrawing so much money from SB. We'll have to see how this works out. Susanne and them are all so supportive of Barbara, they relate to her, not so much to me- after all that happened. I'm a little annoyed by their reaction I guess.

In my head

Sometimes I think things and I realize they are all in my head. The trauma I went through affects me and I think people are doing things that they really aren't. I make up a whole drama in my head. I realize too the importance of structure in relationships. Thats why I like to journal or work a book with people. Without the structure I start imagining things that are not as they truly are.

Self not ego

I have been doing a lot of Centering Prayer and also a daily sit of Theravada meditation. I find I like doing Buddhist meditation on the floor and I ordered a pillow and mat. I'm less interested in alternative consciousness and more interested in dissolving my ego and letting my self develop instead. I have a feeling of having someone with me or myself, so I'm no longer lonely or so needy. Christians call it friendship with Jesus, Buddhists call it no self, but I have someone with me. The ego needs to dissolve a little at first so this self can come through. I don't believe someone can be truly happy without an experience of this sort and that the ego complex, developed because we don't know how to sit with ourselves, or parent ourselves, wants more and more of whatever is feeding it and is the reason we get so violent. I want more self, less ego. This is done through prayer and meditation.